


Cowardice, Hate, and Self-Destruction

by WanderingSpiritCC



Category: Code Geass
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Bad Ending, Fuck Suzaku, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mpreg, Post Mpreg, Sharing a Bed, Sorry Not Sorry, no one is happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24515797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WanderingSpiritCC/pseuds/WanderingSpiritCC
Summary: Somehow, Lelouch was even thinner than before, stress and anxiety taking its course. But the thing that almost stopped Suzaku in his tracks was the red horizontal line along Lelouch’s lower abdomen. The slightly raised scared skin stalling his exploration.Lelouch grabbed his hands then directing them elsewhere, never breaking from this kiss. But Suzaku did.“I'm sorry.”“Don't apologize. I'll only hate you more.”But they were kissing again before Suzaku could respond.tw; violation of Body Autonomy!
Relationships: Kururugi Suzaku/Lelouch Lamperouge | Lelouch vi Britannia
Comments: 4
Kudos: 73





	Cowardice, Hate, and Self-Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I've had in mind for so many years and I never thought I'd write it, but here we are.  
> In case the tags were not warning enough, this is not a happy fic! Idk what's wrong with me, but even in my teens I was never able to write a happy Code Geass Fic lol. Also, fuck Suzaku. He is my fav character, but boy can't make any good decisions.  
> Also, thanks to my friends Abi and delicatewombatbanana, for the editing and validation.  
> Again I say, tw; violation of Body Autonomy!

It was happening again. Lelouch, no, Kingsley, crouched on the tiles of the bathroom floor, divesting himself of his breakfast. The nauseating smell of half-digested food and stomach acid was already filtering into the rest of the apartment. Some part of Suzaku knew he could shut the door, shut out Kingsley, not have to look at the pathetic man before him. And he was pathetic, like all the spirit of Lelouch had fled the body, empty, but for the false, weak personality forced by false memories.

Suzaku had long since convinced himself it was for the best. It was easier this way. Easier still because if they were not at some event requiring that he parade Kingsley around, the false man was often asleep. A moment of quiet and he was out. Suzaku was unsure if this was the limits of the false personality or something else.

But, instead of turning away, he watched. Ostensibly, because it was his duty. Monitoring for anything that might indicate a return of Lelouch's personality. There had not been since the events in the EU and subsequent re-brainwashing. There was a flicker of some other feeling in Suzaku's chest though. To see Lelouch brought so low. This was a regular occurrence, nearly a morning routine. Suzaku could not determine the cause, breakfast was bland, and honestly, he felt a bone-deep apathy about “fixing ” whatever this was. So he watched.

As part of his duty, this apartment was shared, which was distasteful enough, but it was also elaborate and high end. Never had Suzaku lived in such a gaudy and exceedingly expensive apartment. It was for the status, part of the “nuanced” story of Kingsley. Kingsley himself spared hardly a glance at any of the decor. He was a puppet on strings, directed by Suzaku, controlled by the emperor, no internal drive.

The sound of retching ceased then and Kingsley merely crumpled against the wall.

With a huff, Suzaku approached. Kingsley made no move to acknowledged him, not even when an iron grip encased his forearm, pulling him to his feet. Through his grip, Suzaku could feel the shivering.

Suzaku forced him through the dressing process, into the uniform expected of the “fake” military adviser. Jewelry was added, gloves donned, and with each piece, the wind-up doll that was Kingsley slowly turned to life. He was back to “normal” by the time they needed to leave, striding out their door as if the hour before never happened.

Everything about this situation was bizarre.

Kingsley evaporated again, before they had even returned to their apartment. He was asleep in the return car, as soon as he sank into the leather seats. In fact, it was a miracle they had gotten to the car. The whole event Kingsley had been odd.

It was a meeting of generals, that was more like a decadent party than anything else. The building they entered had the customary 20-foot ceilings of this kind of party. Crown molding and wallpaper and bay windows along one wall. Chandeliers above.

Kingsley acted with his usual swagger as soon as they entered, just enough charisma to influence. He moved from group to group, dropping the words and ideas as required by the emperor. Suzaku followed a respectable distance behind.

Every so often though Kingsley would step away from the groups, into a secluded area and pinch the bridge of his nose, an act so reminiscent of Lelouch that Suzaku felt an irrational need to grab his wrist and pull it away. Then the moment would pass and the schmoozing would continue.

The frequency of those moments increased as the day wore on. Finally, Kingsley found a moment to slip into the hallway. The sound was quieter, less distracting, the lighting dimmer, and Suzaku could see how pale the other man had become.

Kingsley, was making a beeline to the bathroom, steps uneven. It was so sudden it took a moment for Suzaku to realize Lelouch was about to pass out. Suzaku caught Kingsley on his way down. That bone-deep apathy started to fade. Something was wrong.

Thankfully, Kingsley was unconscious only briefly. As soon as he realized he was being held up by Suzaku he was pushing away, familiar anger in his gaze.

“Do not touch me.” He entered the bathroom, slamming the door in Suzaku face.

While Kingsley was inside Suzaku reached for his cell, calling the palace.

A secretary picked up. “Knight of Seven, what can I do for you?”

“Send a court physician. Should the Emperor need to know, tell him it's about Kingsley.”

There was water running in the bathroom so Suzaku ended the call without waiting for a response.

Kingsley came out, anger still simmering below the surface. “We are leaving.”

*

Pregnant. Kingsley, no Lelouch, was pregnant. A child. It was hard for Suzaku to wrap his mind around. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to even picture it. The image of the ultrasound, the undeniable proof was etched across the underside of his eyelids. A baby, so small now, but such a huge problem. This was an accident created by Suzaku himself, 12 weeks ago, when he thought he had re-found his best friend. Someone he had a mix of feelings for that was so intense that this was the result. And of course, the guilt after had driven him towards Euphy. Avoiding the feelings, embracing the princess to hid from them.

From the bed across the room Kingsley groaned, his body just a lump under the covers, the darkness of the room concealing any detail. He was likely having nightmares again, another common occurrence as of late. But even after he settled, Suzaku found himself staring. Lelouch had always been strikingly thin. 12 weeks was pretty far right? Three months? When did it usually start to show? Now that he knew to look at all would it be noticeable? As the human mind is prone to do it took off on this train of thought, regardless of Suzaku's resistance.

What would Lelouch look like in another month? Two, three months from now? What was a pregnancy glow and would Lelouch have it? Lelouch tended to be level headed, but would this change that? What might small kicks feel like against Suzaku's hand? What would the child look like?

There was a tickle of disgust that Suzaku felt, and feeling directed toward himself for how curious he was and for the small flair of hope. Deep under the scars overlaying his heart was a desire, one he tried to stomp out.

The emperor may have given him the choice, who knew why, but it wasn't Suzaku's to make. To keep the child or not, both scenarios involved Lelouch's body. Either choice morally reprehensible to make for another person. But this was Lelouch, a monster, willing to murder and steal, to achieve his ends. Either way, Lelouch's body would undergo irrevocable changes, already was. And besides, Suzaku had already made choice about Lelouch, forcing him into the role of Kingsley. But that choice was made by the emperor, right? In fact, would Lelouch ever return? And Kingsley was not real anyway.

Suzaku felt that he had somehow made a choice. A part of himself he tried to pretend away had made the choice. He would tell the emperor to do what he thought best. Suzaku was a coward.

*

Suzaku did not see Lelouch again for months. Not until he made his “joyful” return to Ashford, to once again watch for the return of the original Lelouch personality. It would be a lie if Suzaku said that was the only thing he was on watch for.

The emperor never revealed the fate of the child. Suzaku had no right to know anyway, just as he had no right to make the choice.

So, much to Suzaku's chagrin, he found himself studying Lelouch's body. Any subtle sign that it had recently given birth. It was thanks to Nunally's innocence that he finally received any confirmation.

That night when Lelouch returned the phone to him on that roof, after a call with Nunnally was supposed to reveal the resurfacing of his original personality, however, a far more important reveal occurred.

Suzaku was in the midst of his apology over the confusion when the distinctive cry of an infant came through over the call.

“I'm sorry, he's just so fussy, just wish you could hold him. I'm sure he wants his dad.”

Suzaku was stunned for a moment, forgetting even to check if Lelouch had reacted in any way to the sound. If he'd even heard the sound. After a moment of blankness, a million new questions flooded him. The biggest of them wondering what the emperor had told her.

“I'm sure it will be soon,” was all he could respond, empty and nearly meaningless.

The Kurugi shrine held many memories, but the person he had come to meet held almost as many. The gravel crunched underfoot and the smell of green plant life filled out the scene, but Suzaku's attention was focused on one thing.

“You came alone?”

“I promised I would.”

Suzaku could not help the accusation slide between his lips. “You have a lot of nerve coming here.”

Lelouch missed the point so Suzaku continued, “That’s not what I meant, Lelouch. Showing your face in front of me, that’s what took nerves. Not your own daring. But you promised? I have no reason to believe any of your promises at this point.”

Not that promises mattered, neither of them were good at following moral guidelines. Suzaku may not have made promised, but his failings were just as grave.

“Then explain to me, why did you come here alone as well? After what you did?”

The layers of meaning weighed across Suzaku's shoulders. Guilt ate it's way up his throat.

“You wanna know? I'm fed up with lies. I've had to lie to Nunnally.” His mind readily supplied the multitudes of them to him. “just the way you have.” An accusation that did nothing to lift the weight on him. “That's the worst thing. Some friend you were.” Even Suzaku's conscious scoffed at the word choice. “You've been betraying me all along. Not just me, either, but everyone on the student council too. And even Nunnally. And Don't forget Euphy! I need to know. Did you use your Geass power on Euphie? Be honest.” Suzaku was distantly aware he had started to ramble.

“Yes,” was Lelouch's answer.

They argued back and forth, drifting and then sticking on the Euphy point.

The argument circled and circled until Suzaku was lost in directionless anger.

“Yes, that's right! So all the sin is mine alone to shoulder. My little sister had nothing to do with it.” Lelouch was kneeling then, bowing, nearly groveling. “For the first time in my life, I'm bowing down to another person. Shame and honor mean nothing to me. All I want is this, my Geass be damned! Just please. You have to save Nunnally. Our son.” Tears were falling from amethyst eyes. “I beg of...”

Use of the word sent some ache through his chest, but some other, fouler impulse forced Suzaku to press his foot against the back of Lelouch's head. Words ripped from his throat. “After everything you've done, you really think this is efficient? You believe that some bowing and begging is enough to get me to forgive you?”

“No, of course, I don't. But it's all I've got. I have nothing else left to offer. And you're the only person in the world who could save my sister, my baby.”

“So you believe that I'll just ignore the past and forgive you? That everyone is going to forgive you?” Once again, Suzaku's words got away from him. Even if he forgave Lelouch, what right did he have for Lelouch to forgive him? Despite his continued arguing, shouting, he knew how this was going to end.

The choice's Lelouch made were reprehensible on a scale that impacted millions. Suzaku's choices were destructive, aimed at himself, and those close to him. What right did either of them have to be forgiven?

There was so much Suzaku did not know either, so he interrogated, searching for little truths that their lies were built on.

“You're lying, aren't you? Lelouch, there's only one way to redeem yourself for those lies. Turn them into the truth. You told the world a lie when you proclaimed that you're a knight for justice. Why don't you live up to that lie by trying to become a true knight of justice? Then you'll have to keep the lie going to the end.”

“But how? How could I do that?” And it was like Lelouch really did not know, earnestly was seeking Suzaku's guidance, as if Suzaku ever made good choices.

“By putting an end to this war. You are Zero. This job. Only Zero can do it. It's withing your power, bring peace and happiness to the world. If you do that, I'll save Nunnally.” Somehow, Suzaku thought he might believe his words.

“You will, you'll save them?”

“But we'll work together. One more time for their sake.”

“I'm grateful. The two of us together, we can accomplish anything.”

Suzaku had to wonder if Lelouch was intentionally twisting the knife in his gut with those words. Like Suzaku was not at fault for the present state of things. Like their “working together” had been ruined by Suzaku himself. In fact, it was Suzaku's fault things got worse from there. Their deal then was ripped apart by the arrival of those military vehicles. They did not meet again until the World of C.

Lelouch becoming emperor had been a turning point for any reason. No, it was even before then. It was right after the Sword of Akasha, holding Lelouch during his breakdown. Inside the sword Lelouch had been fueled by anger, it had kept him afloat, able to act. But then, just him and Suzaku, Lelouch had cried. The reality was so much more awful than he could imagine, his life driven by a lie.

They were in the “real” world now. Sitting on the stone ground of a cave. Lelouch was holding Suzaku with an unbreakable grip. Their goals and methods had been perfectly aligned for once. Still aligned now. With distractions gone, Suzaku was forced to realize that his feelings were real. His cowardice preventing something, if the world were not what it was it would just have been delaying it.

“Lelouch?”

There was no response, Lelouch didn't even shift his head from it's resting spot of Suzaku's shoulder.

“I think I love you.” Suzaku tried again.

Lelouch didn't respond at that time either. But he didn't resist either when Suzaku lifted his head and kissed him.

They still were unable to address their son until later. They were hiding while Lelouch plotted the overthrowing of his father's empire. It didn't matter where they were then, just that they had a decent bed and enough privacy.

Just like that time, Lelouch had caught Suzaku unaware. Capturing his lips in a kiss sweet as honey. This time, Suzaku was sure, he returned the kiss with as much passion as he could. Hands tangling in hair, pulling on buttons, undoing zippers.

Lelouch's body was more devastating than Suzaku could process. His hands explored skin he had craved, taking in details both that he wanted and didn't.

Somehow, Lelouch was even thinner than before, stress and anxiety taking its course. But the thing that almost stopped Suzaku in his tracks was the red horizontal line along Lelouch’s lower abdomen. The slightly raised scared skin stalling his exploration. In the short pause, Suzaku's mind automatically going over math it had done before, a c-section done too soon. To match the scar were vertical pink lines, where skin stretched rapidly.

Lelouch grabbed his hands then directing them elsewhere, never breaking from this kiss. But Suzaku did.

“I'm sorry.”

“Don't apologize. I'll only hate you more.”

But they were kissing again before Suzaku could respond.

With the final defeat of Schnizel, their son was finally returned to them. Though returned was perhaps incorrect since neither had ever held him before then. Soft curly brown hair so familiar to Suzaku, coupled with amethyst eyes. For Suzaku, it was love at first sight, but for Lelouch, it was something else.

Lelouch never released the small child if he could help it, but he had to, often, for meetings and the like. Most who knew of the child were dead, and Lelouch wanted to keep it that way. In the moments when he did have their child, he kept him close, like letting go would leave a mortal wound.

Evidently, no one had named the child, Nunally knew of no names and in fact, there was no record of the birth, other than the child's obvious existence.

Suzaku knew he had no right to name their son so he made no suggestions, but Lelouch didn't bring it up either, not for a while. Not until a night toward the end.

Despite fluffy pillows and silky blankets Suzaku always found the bed uncomfortable, because along with Lelouch's disdain in letting their son from his sight he was utterly unwilling to release Suzaku from his immediate proximity. Whatever emotion was prompting the behavior hardly mattered when's Suzaku's presence was required anyway. The only exceptions were battle and sleep. Or at least sleeping should have been an exception. However, night was the worst. Lelouch pulled Suzaku into his bed every night, their son cushioned between pillows between them. Suzaku found sleep difficult for many reasons and so he knew Lelouch's own inability to sleep. Insomnia gripped both of them in the middle of that night.

Lelouch was propped up on elbows, gazing at their son. Suzaku pretending to not watch.

“He deserves a name.”

Suzaku remained silent.

“Do you not think so?”

Quite reined a minute.

“I was planning to let you name him.”

That finally got Suzaku to respond, but out of surprise more than anything. “Why?”

Lelouch looked directly in his eyes then. “You're the one who's going to call his name the rest of his life.”

Suzaku cringed and glanced away. “Don't Lelouch.”

“Don't what,” he challenged.

“Live, accept the code, raise our son. We can fake the requiem.”

“You didn't want either of us before, why do you want me now?”

“I don't have a right, you name him,” Suzaku breathed.

“Seiryu,” Lelouch ended the discussion and turned away.

**Author's Note:**

> Props to the website:https://codegeassepisodetranscripts.wordpress.com/ where I got all the quotes from r2 ep.17


End file.
